Blood River

“What happened to your arm?” My best friend, Alyssa questioned me.

We were waiting outside the dressing room for our boyfriends, Jace and Alec, “Oh... Ummm, I fell,” I

Replied acting interested in a Jack the Skeleton T-shirt.

“Stephanie! Don’t tell me you’re cutting yourself again!” Alyssa exclaimed with her golden caramel eyes blazing like the sun, in a razor sharp glare.

“Shhh!”I exclaimed rushing towards her,” They’ll hear you.” I finished, frantically glancing towards the dressing rooms as if I were a mobster waiting for the squat team to arrive.

“Alec still doesn’t know?” she asked disbelief coloring her whispered tone.

“No, I’m scared of what he’ll say,” I replied sheepishly

“Stephanie,” she groaned “he needs to know .You can’t keep hiding your arms. It’s going to be summer soon, which means it’s going to get hotter, so you can’t hide behind your jacket.” She finished matter-of-fact tone, while studying a pair of earrings that complimented her coppery ringlets beautifully.

“I can try,” I interjected while I scowled at my shoes as if it was their fault I was even having this conversation in the first place.

“Heey …” Alec called then stopped abruptly taking in the scene in front of him. “What happened?”

I shot my head up along with a look at Alyssa, but I was too late. She already started to speak,” Oh nothing, Steph just found out that they’re getting rid of Borders.”

“Yeah.” was all that came out my mouth.

Alec grabbed my hand, Jace grabbed Alyssa’s while we walked and talked.  Yet, I kept sneaking glances at Alyssa.

She was avoiding me. Crap, I thought.

“What time is it?” I asked

It was Jace who pulled his phone out first and responded with huge pale blue-gray eyes - eyes that resemble the color of the ocean tides during a storm—“ It’s 8pm !” he exclaimed.

“We should get going,” Alyssa told us still avoiding me.

Jace and Alyssa were still holding hands like Alec and me when we had first started off.

Alec shot me a curious gaze once I jerked him back by his hand the second we got outside.

The night air raised goose bumps on my arm and sent a shiver through my body as I spoke, ”We’ll catch up to you guys. I need to tell Alec something.” The nervousness in my tone must have been greater than I had thought.

Alyssa’s head snapped up then and she shot me a look that inferred, “You’re going to tell him!”

I nodded in acknowledgment.

The guys must have noticed also because when Jace though we were out of earshot he questioned Alyssa,” What was that about?”

Alyssa only shook her head.

I turned toward Alec and repressed a gasp. Alec had hair as black as the night sky, soft as silk, also as thin and straight as paper with a soft curl at the side, as well as the ends. He made my heart ache and the painful whispers began. The razor blade in my pocket burned and I yearned to grab it and show the whispers I would win.

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked, with concern coloring his voice.

“I need to tell you something,” I answered warily, while rolling my sleeves up, “I don’t know how to tell you, so I’ll just tell you straight out...... I, ummm, cut myself.’

Shock, anger, despair, worry, and some foreign emotion which I could not decipher played upon his usually controlled face. “What the hell! Why would you do that?!” He exclaimed, grabbing hold of my arms as if I had cut myself right in front of him.

His fingers found a scar and rubbed it as if by his touch it would altogether vanish.

How could I tell him it was because I didn’t deserve him, that he could do way better than a girl like me, without having him believe that it was his fault? I couldn’t.

    “Because I don’t deserve you.” I whispered
    “ What do you mean ‘ you don’t deserve me ?’” he asked with clear confusion
    “Look ,”I replied in a clipped whisper, motioning with my hands as if the answer was as clear as  glass, “ at you and then at me.”
    Confusion spread deeper into his features, with a sigh of exasperation, I explained further, “You’re gorgeous, sexy, smart, sweet, funny, and strong and I’m ….. not.”
    As I was talking I was looking at our still intertwined hands. I looked up at his face and was shocked and confused at what I saw. Realization. Sadness. Anger? Why was he angry?
    “You honestly don’t see yourself that way, do you?”
    “Worse, actually.’
    This seemed to make him angrier.
    He let go of my hand and arm. He then cupped my face his blazing emerald eyes struck me hard, gluing me to where I stood. “Your eyes,” he stopped and rubbed a lazy circle by my eye. “Your turquoise colored eyes, your golden-black ringlets. Your gorgeous curve filled body,” his arms moved down my body to rest at my waist and as he spoke he drew me to his 5’7” medium built body with each word. (He was 5” taller, one other reason I loved him.)

An inch between our faces , his breath was coming faster like mine and i could make out the scent of his winter-mint gum, “I love you , I love that your sweet, sexy ,intelligent, funny, outgoing ,  pessimistic , honest ,”he smiled down at me then, I felt he heart beat quicken as did his breathing picking up , we kissed. “So, please don’t cut yourself. I’ll do anything.... anything to help. Just please, stop.”

The ache pulsed through my chest and the evil, dark whispers brewed and seeped threw my mind. The burn of the blade grew more intense as did the burn of the trespassing tears, “I’ll try.” My        voice cracked and raised an octave. The tears ambushed me with a sudden new found strength that defeated my barriers.

When I was home, the pain burned bright and hard. My wrist pulsed for the feel of the blade to cut threw the skin that guarded the veins beneath. I gave in. The dark red river flowed out. the pain of the night  disappeared flowing along with the red river into the bathroom sink.

I started to feel sick. The stench of the river, the coppery, rusty salt- smell burned my nose and churned my stomach.

So I grabbed the bandages and gauzes a wrapped my arm and fell asleep.

The darkness stayed and pushed on me harder than ever. I didn’t wake up the next day or the next.

A bright light appeared then, along with voices some familiar others not so much. My eyelids felt heavy , with all my will I was able to crack them open to notice my surroundings: a bed with bars on the sides, tubes here and there disappearing beneath my skin, a white, sterile room , and Alyssa , Jace , and Alec surrounding me faces stained with tear streaks  towering over me  screaming my name. Alec bent down and whispered into my ear “Don’t you ever dare scare me like that again. Do you know how close I had come to losing you?!” Then cupping my face he kissed me bad enough to make my heart stop all together and the monitor linked to my heart made it evident of just that.

From that day on I never cut myself again and talked about my pain instead.  

     

written by:adriana magana-jarmillo